i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm at about main and main street
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
