guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
