Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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