I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
