Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
