my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize