If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
