she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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