I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
we're so committed to being not committed
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
