Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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