Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
