So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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