Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
