I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
