I'm eating all of the evidence.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
