Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
