I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
