This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize