im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
