she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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