We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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