remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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