My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
