so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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