i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
