Umm I'm too high to move.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
