Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
