dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The adults are the big ones right?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
