Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
