I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
