It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
