Having a random hookup so left but love u
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
