how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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