you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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