I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think my moral compass just broke
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
