Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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