When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
