This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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