Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
