I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
