I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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