Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
