And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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