because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
