If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
