I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
