My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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