Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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