i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize