So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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