It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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