I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
