3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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