how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
