Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
