Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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