Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Is it because I queefed?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
