dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
